I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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