they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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