Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
