The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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