Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Of course I have a pirate flag
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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