you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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