You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
