If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
