I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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