You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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