Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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