i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You're like the curious george of whores
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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