dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
