the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
