see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
