i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
