How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Found your dick twin last night
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
