There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
