Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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