I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
