She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
