i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
