Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
