Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
