I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
