I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Michael Bay diarrhea
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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