I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
