dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
