I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
