So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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