She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I intend to get homeless drunk
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
