I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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