put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
