My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
