dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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