I think my fart just growled at me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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