I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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