The best revenge is premature balding
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
