I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
