Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
only you would photoshop your dick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
