when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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