omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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