You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
