I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
