I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
