i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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