I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
