I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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