Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
