Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
